WOMAN ON LOUDSPEAKER: Final call for Flight 512
departing London on its way to Sydney.
Hey, Phoebe. It's Dan. I'm at the airport, so call me back.
Pheebs, seriously, where are you?
I'm almost at the counter. Ring me back.
You heading home for the holidays? Ah, yeah.
Thought so. Spot the accent. Right.
I've got a bit of an ear for accents.
In fact, I'm a bit of an amateur accent enthusiast.
Oh, right. Yeah, yeah.
I'm heading down... down under.
Right. That's good.
I'm going to Sydney. I'm being met by a good friend of mine, Wendy.
Met her online. Look, there she is. What do you think?
Oh, wow. She's... No, this one. This one here.
Oh yeah, she's lovely too.
Yeah, isn't she lovely? Doesn't ring any bells?
Ah, no.
No, it's a big place, Sydney, isn't it?
Right. Over four million inhabitants.
Phoebe, there you are.
What are you doing? Where's ... where's your luggage?
I'm not coming.
Dan, where do you see our relationship going?
Ah, Sydney via Dubai.
This is just a joke to you, isn't it?
What P I mean, we're not even sitting together.
I told you, Pheebs, I could only get the single tickets.
Yeah, and you're fine with it.
Look, you keep everybody at arms' length. Even me.
Pheebs, I stayed here for you. You just want me to hold your hand
so you don't have to get through another Christmas...
Oh come on, that's unfair. I... I... booked the tickets
so you could come and see where I'm from.
I wanted you to meet my family and my brother
and that's... (Chuckles) That's a joke!
Of course. It's just a card. I was being ...
Self-deprecating. Yes.
Well, it's the Australian characteristic -
It's a defence mechanism, quite often. Appreciate it.
Do we have to do this right now?
They're calling us through and maybe...
Look, I don't know what you want, Daniel.
You know what? I am sick of looking at you
every time we make love and you...
you're just giving me these blank eyes.
You just don't have to yell... I don't know what you're thinking.
I appreciate... I can't do it anymore!
Want to shift your bag up a bit? Sure.
Goodbye, Daniel. Oh come on. Phoebe!
Phoebe, wait!
Can you just come anyway?
Yeah, come on. It's Christmas.
Ohh, never mind.
At least you've got a spare seat. You could swap that for an upgrade.
Oh no, no, internet fares. Not much you could do with those, is there?
Except obviously stretch out a bit 'cause you've got a spare seat.
We're not sitting together. They're separate seats.
WOMAN: Next, please.
It's a nice card.
Thanks. Next!
# Christmas time Oh, Christmas time
# The end of the year
# Boys and girls are in the park
# Smiles ear to ear
# Gather 'round the Christmas tree
# Gifts for everyone
# Merry time for you and me now Christmas has come. #
You may as well take it down, Dad. She's, um...
She's not coming.
Son!
I nearly killed myself putting that up there.
Sorry. I...
Oh, your mother's idea. Maree! She's not even comin' now!
I never asked for a banner, Dad.
You stay away a year, you get a banner. Welcome home.
Thanks. And happy Christmas.
You too. Merry Christmas, son.
So where is Phoebe?
Ah, her grandmother got a bit sick, so she's um, yeah...
Oh, how awful! You could have given us a call, Dan.
She didn't plan to get sick. We were looking forward to meeting her.
Yeah, I know. It's not coming down now, I can tell you.
What's wrong with your eyes? Look like you've been crying.
No, it's just... Hey?
I've been on a plane for 24 hours, Dad, OK?
I can't believe you're using my old suitcase.
Where's Sean? Yeah, it still works.
Didn't he pick you up? Give it a rest, Kev.
(Snores)
(Loud horn)
Merry Christmas. Thanks for picking me up.
What time is it?
It's 8am.
What, did you get in early? No, 6am, Sean, like I told you.
You never said six.
Yes, I did. You were writing it on your hand. Do you remember?
Says nine.
Hey, come here, come here, come here.
It's good to have you back.
Merry Christmas. (Gasps)
That's for the air horn. Check it out.
I got 'em restrung. Jam later.
Ah yeah, maybe.
Definitely. Dan?
Darl, leave it to me for Chrissake. I don't want you lifting things.
I thought you were quitting today. No, New Year's I said.
Good to see the shower still sucks.
You used to run a shower business. Can't you fix it?
That was executive spas. I didn't touch showers.
That was years ago.
I thought it was last year.
I don't think so.
Oh God. I wish he'd take that stupid sign down.
I wish he'd take the sign down. I wish he'd take the sign down.
That's not... Ever hear yourself?
What happened to her, anyway? Phoebe?
Oh, her grandma got sick so she couldn't make it out.
Some kind of respiratory thing.
She dumped ya?
At the airport. What a dog.
Can you just not say anything? I just...
I could do without the third degree.
Sean! When are ya gonna finish this grass?
I told you, my mower's being fixed!
Well, use the whipper snipper! Oh, thanks Doctor Green Thumbs.
Do you run a gardening company? No, I do.
Mate, it's her loss. I don't need to run a bloody gardening company...
You can't do a whole yard with a whipper snipper, ya maniac!
No-one does a Christmas like us.
So my present's a little unusual this year,
but I know it's something you're all going to love.
Oh, group present. Awesome. Where is it?
I'll be right back.
OK, Merry Christmas everyone. There we go. There you go, Rog.
Spas and Showers?
Let me see that.
You gave me that one last year.
I'll take a 'my son's sucks at business' mug if you've got one.
Ah no, but I think I've got an 'old man scared of new ideas'
fridge magnet in here. 30 years, Moody Air.
Let me know when you make one.
At least I give presents, Dad. Yeah, mine's coming.
Don't you worry about that.
Merry Christmas!
I'm pregnant!
(Screams)
Is that piss? Congratulations! Is that piss?
Are you serious? That's your present?
A stick with piss on it? Don't!
(All chatter)
(Doorbell rings)
I'll get it.
Hi. Hi, I'm Cora.
Oh, sorry.
Um, you probably want some change then? There you go. Merry Christmas.
Oh no, no, no, I'm Cora, Hayden's girlfriend.
He's just parking. Right. Sorry.
Um, Hayden's your girlfriend. That's right. I did know that.
Um, it was the... sorry, the shirt. Red Cross, yeah. I get it.
It's probably a really expensive designer or something, is it?
No, no, no, it's Red Cross.
I volunteer there. Oh, wow. Great. Good for you.
That's excellent.
Are you working today? Yeah. No. No, not officially.
But you... took my money.
Well, you donated it, so... Yeah, but you...
you just said that you're not... I said not officially.
You know, I'm like an off-duty cop.
You know, if he sees a crime,
he can't just turn a blind eye to it.
Sure. There he is!
My long lost cousin!
Haydo, how are ya? Good, mate. Merry Christmas. You too.
So you met Cora? Yes, yeah.
I did, in her Red Cross outfit.
Ah, mate, that's one of her own designs. Handmade.
I think it's just the colour, babe, you know?
Dan? I know it seems like work for you, but do you mind?
Um, sure. Thanks, darling.
Dan, can you have a look at my camera?
Ah, just give us a sec, Roger.
It's a funny story, actually.
I met Dashenka at work. Customs, you know, at the airport.
Yeah. Bug-a-lugs here tries to slip one by me.
A suitcase full of snakes. Dead ones, on ice.
A delicacy in Russia. Haydos!
I'm not investing in your lawn business, Sean.
No, I got a brand new one. Funereal fireworks. Sorry, guys.
Give us a smile. There's two certainties in life. Death and...
Quick, quick.
That's a nice camera, mate. Thought you were a professional.
Ah, thanks. It's Mum's. How's work going?
Papp any celebs lately? That's what they call you, Papparazzi?
Pap smear? Pappo? That's not really my job.
Go through their bins. But you tap their phones, though.
You told me that. I'm not that kind of photographer.
Hey, Hayden's not a sailor but he still wears boat shoes.
You don't have to be a sailor to wear them.
They're just leather shoes. That's true.
So who is Phoebe?
Oh, Dan's girlfriend who doesn't show up because her cat died.
Grandmother was sick, because the cat died.
What'd you say? Ah, it's an analogy.
So you pack your loved one's remains into the...
Can I take this call? One minute. Into the P
Sorry about your grandmother's cat.
Yeah, thanks. Hey, do you want a... Danny boy!
Shit!, Rhys. Shit. Hello!
You must be Phoebe.
Cora. Ah, this is Cora.
Cora's Hayden's girlfriend. Oh, OK. Yeah, that makes sense.
Pussy follows the coin, eh Danny boy.
Absolutely, yeah. You get the money, you get the puss.
That's what they say. Yeah, they do say. She gets it.
Ah, so eh? London.
Yeah. Why? Australia, mate.
Best country in the world.
Yeah, I know. How about a quick photo Rhys for Mum?
Come on, come on, Cora, get in here.
Get in here. I suppose a bit of a worry, eh,
all the boat people coming over, taking our jobs.
Yeah, well you know, that's why I left.
Yeah, we're going to leave as well. Get a drink.
Intellectual of the family. No, no, it's not. It's real.
Fireworks, hey? Boom! Bang!
I just want you to know,
I do actually give to charities and stuff. I sponsor a kid.
You do realise that I don't work for the Red Cross?
But you're going to keep my money. It's like 50 cents.
This is your last chance. Or what? Hey, Terry?
Danny, my boy. Oh, oh, double.
Did a little Russian thing there.
Oh, you weren't kidding. She is an absolute stunner.
Yeah. We've done alright, us Moody men.
Oh no, this is um, this is Cora.
The sign says... Hey, I'll get that drink for ya.
Cora, is it? Where are you from, Cora? Victoria Park.
Oh yeah, you would have come up Brighton Drive,
up Albert Street, back of the airport, eh?
Hayden, would you like a beer, mate?
You got anything... there we go.
You working today?
Yeah, I'm just waiting for a phone call.
My boss takes his yacht out every Christmas and if you get the call,
it's as good as a promotion, so I'm just...
Yeah, hence the boat shoes.
You been crying, mate? Oh no, I just got off a plane.
You miss her. That's cute. (Phone rings)
Oh, hang on. I'll take this. Sure, I'll see you soon.
Lachie. How are ya, buddy? No, I'll take you out on the boat.
I think it's embarrassing.
Well, it grows fast, OK? What do you want from me?
President Avenue, that's the best way to go.
And then you go left onto Kurrajong onto Chelmsford.
Hey Tez, did Cora mention that she works for the Red Cross?
Is that right? Yeah. I used to be a Rotary member.
We had a lot to do with the Red Cross.
I guess you work at head office? King Street?
The mall? The mall.
I just think it's a little soon to be telling everybody.
Here's to my last Christmas.
I thought last Christmas was your last Christmas?
What sort of brand? Like a Honda or something like that?
Ah, I think it's a Honda, yeah. Yeah, they're great on mileage.
I find you know, you get 6.5 litres per 100
if you're kind of heading down the highway, anyway.
Quick photo?
Say Merry Christmas. ALL: Merry Christmas!
It's blurry.
So did you, ah, have a good chat? Yeah, I did. Thank you.
I now know five new ways to get to my place from here,
which was lovely. There's plenty more.
Hey Dan, can you look at my camera? See the photo's a bit blurry?
Try Dashenka's dish, will you? Nobody's touched it.
Me? Why can't you? I'm pregnant.
So how did you two meet? BOTH: At a wedding.
Yeah, our parents know each other.
We didn't know that they knew each other,
and the groom actually fell off... Oh, it's a very heavy red.
You probably...
She's at the front of the queue, suitcase,
haemorrhaging full of water from all the melted ice in there.
Her high heels this deep in water. I wet myself.
That's what she said. I thought she'd piddled herself.
No, I wet... I wet myself. Yeah, I know. I know now,
but I thought at the time you'd just let go all over yourself.
Oh, oh, um, hey, Roger?
Oh, ah, Dashenka, we're pregnant, so if...
Oh, she's right. She's... just the one there. Terry.
Isn't that that photo? Where the woman died? Oh yeah.
Why is it on the wall?
Um, I took it when I was a cadet.
I don't know how you do it, Daniel. Listen, eh, Maree.
My first instinct, get in there and help people, you know,
not sit back and watch.
That's not what happened. I tried to get to her.
Remember all the hate mail? Look, he was doing his best.
It wasn't his fault the woman died.
Didn't someone try to torch your letterbox? That's right.
Yeah, it's pretty hard to help someone
when you're trying to take a photograph.
Yeah, you're lucky you weren't charged, actually.
I don't know how you sleep at night.
I would see her face when I go to bed.
OK, he screwed up. He screwed up. He knows that, alright?
Why else do you think he went overseas?
No, I didn't. And to be fair, Sean, that's not why he went.
He told me it was 'cause of the boat people taking jobs.
Dan! That is very narrow minded of you, Daniel.
OK, alright. Just give it a rest, would ya?
His girlfriend just dumped him. Phoebe?
On Christmas Day?
I'm Cora. So her grandmother's fine?
Who knows? Who cares?
Would have been nice to know before I put that bloody sign up.
Oh Kevin, shut up! You see what you've done now?
You've gone and upset your mother on Christmas Day!
No, he hasn't upset me.
Alright love, calm down.
Yeah, Maree, Maree. Just calm down.
Think of your breasts Stress can bring cancer back.
My breasts are fine, thank you, Tez.
Can we just get back to having our lunch and having a lovely time,
and it's Merry Christmas, everybody. ALL: Merry Christmas.
I see your views on immigration extend to your palate, too, do they?
Don't make him cry. I'm not... fine.
Ooh! Lovely stroke, Sean.
Arsey.
Any chance she gets to bring up the breast cancer story.
Oh, that was more Terry. It's so typical.
Well having a baby is big news.
Yeah, of course it is, sweetie. And it's much happier news, too.
I mean, cancer can be such a downer, especially at Christmas...
Oh, shit!
Watch out! Sean, you idiot! I'm pregnant!
Grab a ball, Rog.
Ah, did you want some more gelatinous tongue?
Ah, no thanks. I'm trying to cut back.
Right. Hey, sorry about before.
That's... fine. It is an amazing photo.
Thanks. It was, um, a complete fluke, to be honest.
Where's Daniel? Dan? Coming.
Dan? Dan, come on.
Ladies and gentlemen.
This is the last Christmas we'll be suffering from the heat.
We're puttin' in a pool!
(Cheering)
Yes! Come on!
Who's doing the installation?
Uh...
You? Yeah, it'll be a legacy.
Little Kevvie Junior will be swimming in it next year.
What do you know about pools, Dad?
Nothing. It's not gonna happen. Maree, write this down.
Sean is hereby banned from the pool next year.
Oh, I'm banned from a pool that's not going to exist? OK.
Well that's two years. You wanna keep going?
OK. You're banned from the helipad I'm putting on the roof.
(Laughter)
Alright everybody, grab a shovel, OK? Come on.
Oh darl, you sly dog!
So you're a lucky man, getting a pool.
Hey, watch out. You'll get banned too.
Alright, let's get out of here. What?
No, no, let's... We've gotta rock and roll.
Get you away from the madness. I'm fine here.
Sorry Cora, road time. Road talk.
What are you doing? Where are we going?
Oh, are you serious?
No, I'm still stuck at Christmas, for lunch.
It was eel or snake or something. Cat food.
Not fit for human consumption.
That's what I get for being made the guinea pig for lunch,
to prove I'm not a racist. So, you're a bit racist. So what?
I'm not racist, Sean. Yeah, that's what racists say.
What are you doing? Here, put this on.
What happened to bro time?
Yeah, we've had bro time. Now we're doing this.
Come on. Chop, chop! Come on, come on, come on!
And I'm craving ice cream and salt and vinegar chips.
Me too, sometimes. Not at the same time, but it's just...
Hey guys, guess what? Stephen called.
He wants me to go on the boat.
Oh, that's great. When should we leave?
It's at three, but um, there's only room for one now.
It's a big boys' yacht race thing.
Um, no plus ones.
Oh. But don't worry. I'm not gonna go. As if I'd do that.
OK.
So anyway, we're thinking if it's a girl maybe...
I mean, like I should, I should,
'cause it virtually guarantees a promotion.
Um I've... had it coming for a long time.
Do you want to go? No, I don't want to go. I don't.
Look, if you need to go... No, no, don't. No, as if.
I'm not going to leave you here on Christmas Day.
Come on! Oh, man. That'd be bad.
Although, look if I did, I mean, you could...
You could watch. You could come and watch.
I'm not going to watch. Eat fish and chips,
on the... um... No, don't worry. As if.
I'm not gonna... I'm not gonna go.
But you'd hate to see Lachie get that promotion over me.
Anyway, don't worry about it. Made up my mind.
All good. Ah, what are you guys talking about?
Well... I'm pregnant. We're pregnant.
That's awesome. Yeah. Names?
(Phone beeps)
Great. This is really good.
This is exactly what I want to be doing on Christmas Day.
Mate, it's the perfect time. There's nobody around.
Sean, we're breaking into a garage to steal a lawnmower.
It's not stealing. It's my mower.
I'm just not paying for the extra work I never asked for, OK?
Besides, you owe me. What for?
Um...
Guitar strings. Never asked for them.
Leaving me here with Dad,
who's always on my back about joining the business.
I'm not doing it.
OK, fine. Fine. Thought I could rely on my little brother.
But I guess those days are over.
Don't do the fake crying thing, Sean.
Look, Mum wants the lawns done, OK? It's going to take two minutes.
Fine. But just so we're clear? We're not getting the band back together.
Why not? We were unbelievable. No, we weren't.
You got it? Yeah. Push.
You're right, you're right. Go, go, go.
I got it.
Can you see it?
Yep.
It's not exactly a Tolkien novel,
but we do get all manner of exotic creatures coming through.
Yeah, last week I found a Guatemalan macaw
stuffed into a bloke's prosthetic leg.
Yeah, right. The thing was squirming around.
Ah, get the boat call up, did he?
MUM: You've had enough to drink.
Whoa, bombs away.
Don't worry about that. Happens every year.
Stick it up your arse!
Ah, so where will he be casting off from? Rose Bay?
Don't care. Yeah, probably head around Nelson Park,
out through the heads that way.
Hoist the top sail! Where's Pip the cabin boy?
Get below!
Anyway, better get back to it. Gurr!
I'm serious, Sean. I don't feel well.
(Mock British accent) I'm serious, Sean. I don't feel well!
It's Christmas. Ho ho ho!
Merry Christmas!
# Christmas comedy song
That prick. It had a full tank when I dropped it off.
Yeah, he stole your petrol, Sean.
Nothing to do with the circle work.
Hey, whoa, whoa.
OK, you got this? I, um, need to take a slash.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, beard up, mate. Cameras everywhere.
No, I don't care. It's too hot.
G'day, Santa.
(Crashing, dogs barking)
So it's just you then, mate?
Come on. Ahh... Come on.
Righto. OK, ready? Watching? One, two, three.
Sensational. Where are they?
Ah, hang on.
Sean?
Well you're not going to believe it. Dan's got himself arrested.
What? Well what happened?
Well where is he? I don't know. Police station.
If it's a police matter, best let me handle it.
First, I need everyone to remain quiet and calm.
Hey, why is there a...? Quiet and calm, Roger.
Sean, in your own words, tell me exactly what happened.
Terry... Bung up!
There's a police car out front! Why didn't you tell me, you goose?
Sean, what did you do? Ah, nothing.
What's Sean done now? Shut up, Peter.
Officers, Terry Moody, Australian Customs. I'm the boy's uncle.
Whatever's happened, I'm sure we can work this out.
Dan... Hey, just back off there, please.
Hey! You like wooden artefacts?
I've got some fabulous African carvings.
Lychees? You like lychees?
You OK? Ah, yep. What happened, Dan?
Ah, he was trying to help me,
but he just went about it in completely the wrong way,
didn't you mate? What'd you do?
I broke in and stole Sean's mower back.
Oh, Dan. You wanted the lawns done, Mum.
What's going on, officer?
Well he's been fined, but the owner's agreed to drop the charges.
Where's the mower now?
It's been impounded till the matter's settled.
(Gags) Ohh! See? He's drunk.
He wasn't thinking straight. I'm not drunk.
It was that weird Russian dish. Oh, here we go.
It's actually an Armenian dish, Daniel,
but I s'pose it's all one to you.
What happened to you in London? This attitude?
Ease up. He's obviously been crying. I haven't been crying!
It's called jet lag!
Haven't any of you been on a fucking aeroplane before?
Yeah, see, that's blurry and...
No Rog, don't. Don't ask me to fix your camera, OK?
You want to know why it takes crap photos?
Because it's a piece of crap. Just buy a better camera, cheapskate!
That's enough, son!
You know what, Dad? You're right. You're absolutely right.
And you know what I should do?
I should go back to London,
take my racist palate and my criminal ways home with me.
If you're heading to the airport, I'd take Kingsway. Less lights.
Thanks, Tez. No worries.
Not going back then?
No, internet fare. Couldn't change it.
What's your excuse?
My boyfriend went sailing and left me here.
Top Christmas, then.
If this is any consolation...
Oh, I'm sorry. That was really stupid.
I'm such a... I'm an idiot. Sorry.
No. No no no, it's just that you were throwing up, like an hour ago.
Oh no, I had a shower. No, I did.
I brushed my teeth and had a shower.
That's good. Is that your...? Yeah, probably.
It's um...
Should we get a drink? Ah, yeah.
Mum! Maree!
DAD: Put that bloody whipper snipper down!
(All argue)
# Silent Night... #
I invited Linda because I think Mum's right.
Helping others is what this day's all about. Merry Christmas.
He touched me!
Banned from a homeless centre is unbelievable.
Using a dero to impress your cousin's girlfriend
is exactly what Christmas is all about.
OK, we're on. I know it's Christmas,
but it's also a peak ovulation day for me.
Sean! What are you doing? The door! Get out!
Are you serious?
(Laughs painfully)
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